In our house

My world has been a crazy haze of stuff.  Some of it excruciatingly stressful, some of it incredibly fun.  The kids are finally back home after their summer visitation with their dad and I can't be happier to have my house messy and noisy again.  The break has its perks but there is nothing like having your children under your roof to make life really feel great again.

littlest little got a fun pedicure

tried out golfing

u-pick fun

solo evenings fishing

back on the fitness bandwagon

road trips with the bestie

new piece of pottery

food at a food truck

visits to the ocean

lunch on a deck overlooking the ocean

smoothies and rum

painting my living room

stained my deck

ate this incredible thing (theres an apple under there)

met a goat

Last night I lay down in the late evening and patted myself on the back.  My son was upstairs with his best friend wired from sugar and adrenaline but exhausted at the same time.  1/4 of a cake sat on the counter, the living room floor had a pile of birthday cards, and I kicked off my shoes and lay back with a cup of tea to recollect on the day.

Last year X took the kids for their yearly summer vacation and it usually falls on J's birthday so I can have them in August which is when NL gets the best of the summer weather.  He was so disappointed with his birthday last year, not only that we couldn't throw a class party, but he wasn't pleased with how it turned out with his dad.  We threw one in August with his cousins but by then he was so over it and although he loved his family party, he felt let down by all the stories from his classmates about their parties.

So this year he begged for an early party and I know inwardly, probably outwardly too, I groaned.  I groaned because it was another item to add to my list, another cost to incur, and another potential disappointment if none of his friends came.  it truly is hit or miss at class parties for attendance.

So with that in mind, he chose a Nerf war party theme and I went about trying to cut corners.  I booked a gym at our Y where we are members getting a discount rate, I ordered limited items and got a crazy good sale, I did very low-cost foods and not much of it because kids don't stop to eat at parties and parents drop and go, and I kept the loot bags reasonable and with items I could buy in bulk.

So pizza, chips, fruit, water, and a loot bag that consisted of a kool aid pouch, Mr freeze, kit kat bar, and a bag of microwave popcorn was purchased.  Cheap tablecloths and cutlery in bright colors and one splurge were the cake pops made by a new home bakery in town that was DELICIOUS!

The kids came, almost everyone we invited came!!  They arranged the Y's mats and giant blocks into barricades, we went over the rules, the whistle was blown, and for over an hour they shot their guns, chased down bullets, and laughed themselves silly.  Equal parts girls and boys showed up and mingled seamlessly and we ended a Nerf war party without a single tear shed.

His friends were generous in their gifts and J was beaming with pride as he kept saying "best party ever!"  And I feel content that through a week of stomach bugs, work uncertainty, car repairs, home repairs, mounting bills, and travel plans I pulled it off successfully.

all ready, guests just started arriving

easy table set up.  Nerf colors, Nerf sticker on the water, and a cake pop

200 bullets ready to be played with, Nerf custom rules sign

easy loot bags with more Nerf stickers

I admit that I have had incredible pangs of jealousy lately.  Longings for a life that I still feel robbed from. It started with looking at the beautiful pictures of friends in the Yukon enjoying the lakes and the mountains and longing for living there again.  Then it moved into noticing the life they have, the wonderful husbands and partners who do things with them and their families.  Finally, I find myself swooning over their toys, wanting that boat, that ATV, that side by side and hot tub that sadly was items I had and enjoyed.

I don't like the feeling and how it evolved past longing for a location into the want of material goods. I think it's because I am still struggling financially and I still feel like a lot of my security in life was robbed from me.  Mostly though I had jealousy for healthy good relationships and the fact that myself and my kids were not granted that.  It's not a good feeling throwing yourself a pity party each night. Rationally I know that I have many blessings and life isn't about comparisons and status, but superficially I want a newer nicer house, a more reliable vehicle, family vacations, and strong family memories.

Today being Father's Day it really pushes those feelings into overdrive.  So when my daughter presented me with her craft that she had hidden in her sock drawer for a week now and told me it was for me because I was her dad too, I couldn't help but feel a total mix of gratitude and devastation. Divorced or not kids should cherish their dad and want to express their love over the miles yet they don't because they recognize some pretty complicated differences in the parenting.  The fact that for three days straight I caught puke, catered to requests for Gatorade, and cleaned the toilet over and over was not lost on them.  That I went through three cakes due to some mechanical issues with the pan/oven until I got it right and sat icing my sons birthday cake just the way he wanted it while building targets and assembling loot bags was not lost on him.  That through screaming fits and angry outbursts I smile and tell them I love them anyway is not lost on them.

So I'll be jealous because there's no use denying it.  I'll continue to work towards higher better jobs that bring me personal satisfaction, and I'll keep moving towards my dreams.  I'll remind myself I'm young and the best is yet to come, and I'll remind myself that I'm capable of finding happiness and peace and it'll come when I am ready to look for it.

Dance has brought me more than just an activity for my kid

I hear the same thing over and over from adult friends of mine...it's so hard to make friends.  I really think it's a combination of a lot of things.  We run busy lives so we have limited free time, with limited free time we don't get to spend a lot of time with adults one on one and lets face it, it takes time and energy to build an acquaintance into a friend.  We aren't teenagers anymore where friendship is our number one thing in life, we have spouses and jobs and kids and they get the bulk of our energy and free time is usually allotted to them.  So making adult friends when you are new is about as easy as learning gymnastics at 40.

But it's so important.  It's so important to have people in your life outside of your family and spouse that you enjoy spending time with.  People to vent with, laugh with, try things with, just be you not you the wife or you the mother.  We rarely walk away from a day/night with a friend we enjoy and regret it.  Instead we usually walk away feeling a little lighter and saying we need to do this more.

I feel lucky that I have incredible, supportive, insightful friends who I met as adults, I'm just sad that they are provinces away so they are there for me and fulfill me for a good laugh or vent but just over the phone.

Lately through my daughters ballet class I have connected with 6 wonderful moms (and a dad) and we have gotten quite close.  Through them I also connected with another group of women who funnily enough do the same job as my ex (it's so strange to be back in that lifestyle again.)  Recently we hit up a girls night out and ended it off with lots of wings and wine at a restaurant and I never get a kid free night so this was incredible for me.  I've had a few play dates with wonderful moms who do the same job as me, and tonight for the closing of our ballet we held a big party for our little group where we had a lot of wine again and a ton of laughs.

This I am discovering is very important for my mental health.  To have women around me who are strong, smart, full of laughter, and no drama.  It's great that our kids all go to school together, that we live close, that we do the same things.  They are good old fashioned Newfoundland women where after you've been in their house once you are welcome to rummage through the fridge, grab yourself a drink, and make yourself at home.  I'm glad that dance brought me the chance to meet adult friends and that I am finally feeling like I have some sort of support group here.

a girl and her drill

down comes the first part of the wall

Oh and that gorgeous watercolor at the start of this post is a gift from my dear friend Johanna.  I love her talented watercolors and this one I just adore.  What a brilliant surprise to open up in my mailbox!!

I'm not sure where I went wrong.  I'm it most days, 40 odd weeks of the year I am it.  I am the person who does everything that is needed no matter what that entails.  I do it some days with yells and frustrated tones.  Some days it's easy and care free, most days it's a mix of the two.  I'm the mom who has worn a colorful beaded necklace and bracelet since December because her daughter made it for her (even to a job interview) but today I had an awakening that I must be doing something wrong. Today I spent my entire Mothers Day crying.

This is the mom life.  Finding them asleep after a long day, lugging their growing bodies upstairs and into bed, then going and cleaning up the mess they left behind.