I admit that I have had incredible pangs of jealousy lately.  Longings for a life that I still feel robbed from. It started with looking at the beautiful pictures of friends in the Yukon enjoying the lakes and the mountains and longing for living there again.  Then it moved into noticing the life they have, the wonderful husbands and partners who do things with them and their families.  Finally, I find myself swooning over their toys, wanting that boat, that ATV, that side by side and hot tub that sadly was items I had and enjoyed.

I don't like the feeling and how it evolved past longing for a location into the want of material goods. I think it's because I am still struggling financially and I still feel like a lot of my security in life was robbed from me.  Mostly though I had jealousy for healthy good relationships and the fact that myself and my kids were not granted that.  It's not a good feeling throwing yourself a pity party each night. Rationally I know that I have many blessings and life isn't about comparisons and status, but superficially I want a newer nicer house, a more reliable vehicle, family vacations, and strong family memories.

Today being Father's Day it really pushes those feelings into overdrive.  So when my daughter presented me with her craft that she had hidden in her sock drawer for a week now and told me it was for me because I was her dad too, I couldn't help but feel a total mix of gratitude and devastation. Divorced or not kids should cherish their dad and want to express their love over the miles yet they don't because they recognize some pretty complicated differences in the parenting.  The fact that for three days straight I caught puke, catered to requests for Gatorade, and cleaned the toilet over and over was not lost on them.  That I went through three cakes due to some mechanical issues with the pan/oven until I got it right and sat icing my sons birthday cake just the way he wanted it while building targets and assembling loot bags was not lost on him.  That through screaming fits and angry outbursts I smile and tell them I love them anyway is not lost on them.

So I'll be jealous because there's no use denying it.  I'll continue to work towards higher better jobs that bring me personal satisfaction, and I'll keep moving towards my dreams.  I'll remind myself I'm young and the best is yet to come, and I'll remind myself that I'm capable of finding happiness and peace and it'll come when I am ready to look for it.