In our house

31 days of self love - day 4

September 17, 2017

Hmmm, this is a great question because I think the compliments we struggle to accept are the ones that touch on the things we are most sensitive about or disbelieve the most in ourselves. I really struggle with being told I am pretty. I don't hear it often and when I do I tend to dismiss it completely or if it's a man I tend to believe it has ulterior motives and I really struggle to believe it. I remember getting up the courage to do some Boudoir photos done au natural and there was a questionnaire first, on it was basically this question and I answered the same as today. In the middle of shooting she stopped and said "I can't believe you think you aren't pretty, you are stunning the camera is loving you." in the moment I managed to run with it but I never truly believed her. I need to start telling myself I am beautiful, I'll never believe someone else if I don't believe myself.

31 days of self love

31 days of self love - Day 3 (and a little about my day)

September 14, 2017

Funny enough I was thinking about this the other day and the habit I want to start is making my bed in the morning. In theory, it's supposed to start you off on a good foot, one task completed and give you the momentum to keep completing tasks. Also, at the end of a busy day, it's a real joy to pull back the duvet and climb into a warm comfy bed. So that's what I'll do. In the summer months, it's just a sheet and a light quilt anyway so 1 minute tops to the start of a new good habit.

and sort of related, because I really want to climb into a warm bed and go to sleep right now, today was one of those days that starts a nightmare you never expect to happen. Luckily everything is fine, all is safe, the reality was far less horrendous than the truth, but all the same, it makes nightmares real. Today I found out, while at work, that my son in grade 4 just had his school locked down and the local police along with the tactical team was there because of a perceived real threat. Some anonymous tip of a person threatening specific schools in the area and rumors of a gun, or that's the gist of it from scattered news sources. At first, it was like "Nah, they are doing a drill I bet, no issues." but then I started getting information from really credible sources, then I get a phone call from the school. There is no greater feeling of pure and utter dread and helplessness than driving towards your child's school and knowing at that moment you won't be allowed in to get them. When finally the threat was cleared the vast majority of the school were picked up for the day, despite the school ensuring that it was safe to remain. Who can blame parents, you need that tactile connection, you need them back under your wing, you would never forgive yourself if you had that opportunity and you didn't take it. Walking in I saw children crying, being escorted out by parents. For many kids uniformed officers are not a normal sight, many have never seen a gun before, to have these people descend and be in full work mode not smiles and nods to the little kids is a whole other atmosphere. I've been around police who have been in threat mode, they are all business and no public relations, which is great I don't need a smile I need you to use your training to see anything unusual and stop it immediately. This was no Columbine, no Sandy Hook, and I have said silent prayers a thousand times today thanking God that it wasn't. I'll never forget that feeling though, I've never experienced that amount of fear for my children ever. And I thank my poor friend Johanna who had to endure a very panicked, very out of the blue call from me while I tried to maintain composure enough to drive to the school, having her at phones length made that drive bearable at least.

Let's all remember to thank those wonderful teachers and staff who truly do put your children first in times of crisis, and of course, those police who again run towards a threat while we all run away.

31 days of self love

31 days of self-love - Day 2

September 13, 2017

Hmmm, I'm surprised this is such a hard question today but it is. What do I feel limited by? I guess what stands out for me is that I don't believe that anyone believes me. I know that sounds odd but it's something I do struggle with. For years I was told that my opinion didn't count and that my word vs his would never stand the test of time. To this day I have trouble believing that people will believe me even when I sit with proof in my hand. It does limit me because it has stopped me from attempting to do things I want to do and things I have to do. It's caused me anxiety and endless amounts of rumination. So I need to get rid of that belief. I need to remind myself that no, not all the time will people believe me completely but when it comes down to the truth when it really matters, then I will be rewarded with people who do believe me because I am smart and I am level headed and I am telling the truth.

31 days of self love

31 days of self love - day 1

September 12, 2017

I'm struggling lately with loving myself. I'm hard on myself and I have let the voices of doubt and the voices of a vicious man override my own thoughts too much. We're all about self-care these days, taking walks, eating well, warm baths, time out with friends, but are we really advocating self-love? We are healthiest and strongest when we love ourselves when we feel we are loveable, when we feel worthy and when we feel like we have value. But it takes a lot of energy to feel that, and very little effort to tear it all away. So on Pinterest the other day I found this pin and thought "wow, I need this." Then I discovered it's a whole website and was quite intrigued. So over the course of the next 31 days, I plan to answer these thought provoking questions and learn better how to love myself and hopefully come back to read this on the days I doubt myself.

Today's question: My biggest struggle with loving myself is that I find myself concentrating more on the things I do wrong, my mistakes and my flaws, rather than the things I do right. I beat myself up over mistakes or decisions I make and then convince myself that no one else would have done that or that people are better at things than me.

Back to School

September 10, 2017

annual back to school cake

Ahh the first day of school. It's such a strong end to the summer vacation. Routines are made and adhered to more, lunches dominate the evening routine, and a never ending supply of Tupperware and water bottles fill my sink each afternoon.

first lunches of the year. Make your own mini pizza and caesar salad

I'm happy both kids were excited about school, it certainly made the transition easier. E was off to grade 1 feeling big and determined to learn to read. J was off to a brand new school for grade 4, out of primary and into elementary. I will admit his face was slightly stricken when I left him in the gym lined up with his teacher and approximately 500 other kids...it was so chaotic I was a wreck when I left.

family back to school pic

It left me no surprise then to get a call from his teacher that afternoon that he had had a miserable day. And so it begins. An empathetic boy who has to really build trust to feel comfortable was completely let down by his teacher. Threatening to send him home for the day and telling him it wasn't primary school anymore certainly didn't help.

cupcake treats at the local coffee shop after a successful first day for one, and hard day for the other

I'm always so glad that I've made the relationship I have with my children. Where we talk and talk and talk about everything and they get reasonings and answers from me not just demands. I talked with J about everything that happened that day, about what could have gone better, what he needs to do, what he would like his teacher to do, and about how we were going to cope. While he waits for me to have a meeting with his teacher, he has chosen to rise above her and be a considerate and hard working student which comes from his feeling empowered that he will be listened to.

The school years are tough, there are so many things to navigate from the Kindergarten doors until you walk out in grade 12 prepared, or so they say, to take on the world.

Family Vacation

August 21, 2017

There's just nothing like a good family vacation. I don't make a lot of money, I scrimp and I save, I scramble to make payments on things, and I struggle to pay for emergencies, but I always make sure I tuck away enough to make air fare so once a year the kids and I can get away on a nice vacation. We've been vacationing to our family around Canada which cuts costs huge because they generously house us, feed us, and provide us with a car to use. This year we went to Calgary, a city I love to pieces, and had an amazing time.

Our trip up was hellish, it started poorly right from the start. 4 years ago I would have crumbled into tears at the thought of what I had to endure on my own with the kids, but as my new self-assured person I didn't even bat an eyelash and off we went. Multiple long airport layovers for all sorts of issues from cell phones to thunderstorms, huge delays, missed connections, no luggage, not flying with the people I intended to, I was peed on!! and a total of 24 hours travelling time from departure to destination. It definitely took us a day to recover but after that it was smooth sailing.

There's just something so calming about being around your family. Having loved ones love your kids. We made lots of memories and my son was sufficiently spoiled by his uncle when he took him to the Lamborghini dealership (his dream!!), the Porsche dealership, an uncle/nephew trip to a giant Bass Pro Shop, and the icing on the cake, a behind the scenes tour of the tank he rode overseas where we were allowed to open it and get inside!

It was a great end to summer, now we are back to routines of work and Y summer camp. It's already cooling down a lot here and doesn't feel overly summery but I plan to still have some backyard fires, maybe a fun afternoon in the house, some trips to the splash pad, BBQ's, fishing. There's still time left to make more summer memories and I plan to make as many as I can.

The beginning, we had yet to fully know the amount of hassle this trip would be

you aren't a parent until you've been peed on

The overnight flight home was much smoother, half empty plane and the ability to stretch out in premium seats

Goings on

August 02, 2017

My world has been a crazy haze of stuff. Some of it excruciatingly stressful, some of it incredibly fun. The kids are finally back home after their summer visitation with their dad and I can't be happier to have my house messy and noisy again. The break has its perks but there is nothing like having your children under your roof to make life really feel great again.

While they were gone I made sure to really make time for me. I spent a few nights at home binging on movies and going to sleep insanely early, but I also spent a lot of time with my friends having dinner, doing road trips, meeting new people, and having a lot of fun,

Now as we enter into the last month of summer vacation I am just one day away from my family vacation to Calgary and all the fun we have in store there.