In our house

I'm working on believing that I deserve to be heard.  A lot of what is happening in my life right now is about me telling my story and a lot of times I doubt that others hear me and understand.  Then I doubt if I should even say it out loud.  I have felt the sting of victim blaming, the look of doubt, I've felt the tears well up and my body reacts to not being heard.  I almost talked myself out of saying it but no, I believe I deserve to be heard and I deserve to own my story and not be afraid to tell my truth

Oh, today I need a break.  Today work has me doing some pretty intense things, it's my mothers birthday so I am running around to get flowers and cards and go visit her with the kids.  My oldest is feeling anxious and not overly well today, and I have a laundry list of things I need to do for this weekend because it's a big one.  Today I think I need to get the kids to bed early, I need to run a hot bath with a bath bomb, and I need to turn down the lights and squirrel away with a good book for an hour.  I need to change my sheets and make the bed so when I get in it feels so inviting and warm.  I need screens to go away, the phone to be mute, and my mind to shut down for just an hour and escape away into a story far removed from my current one.

I like to think I am making the world a better place by raising kids who will give back positively.  I take raising the next generation pretty seriously and I truly believe that I have the ability to really mess it up if I take this gift and squander it.  I am helping to mold little brains, teach moral lessons, give them a compass from which to refer to later in their lives.  I will show them the wrong ways to do things so they do better, I will build them up so they feel strong to speak out and make a change, I will expect them to be nothing but judgement free humans who look to empower those around them, not break people down so they can shine brighter.  I am raising a very empathetic little boy and a hard-willed little girl who hasn't let her claws out yet but watch out when she does.  I like to think that through them I am making this world a better place.

Hmmm, when I think about that question I say I can stop wishing I had things that others had, I could stop feeling anger for the past and just feel grateful for the future, I could stop measuring my success with material things vs what I truly give to those around me.  So, so hard to do.  But I know if I do make these mental changes and focus hard on valuing myself and my accomplishments then I will increase my happiness greatly.

Last week in the hour that work was over before I had to get the kids from daycare I booked an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed and my hair freshly cut.  It's such an easy thing that makes me feel so good about myself but is so easily forgotten in the hustle and bustle of other tasks and errands.  

I allowed myself to travel.  I've always loved to travel and always had the travel bug.  Growing up my family detested it so we never went further than 4 hours from our house.  As soon as I met X and we were in a career where travel was possible I began my dream travel boards.  Being awarded thousands of free dollars to go places excited me but alas he dictated our travel plans and my dreams of California, Ireland, Hawaii, New York, were replaced by selfish and indulgent trips again just hours from our door that he planned with his mistress and dragged my damaged self along on for show.  

When I was free I immediately began the task of preparing myself to travel alone.  Knowing the kids would be gone for chunks of time, I wanted to get myself to a place where being alone, navigating travel, and investing the money felt natural and guilt free.  I've only done small trips but I've gone to Toronto and Calgary completely alone and count those two trips as the most loving things I've ever done for myself.  It was another step in healing, another moment of growth, a time to de-stress, and another chance to feel free and unrestricted in my ability and choices.  

I'm always afraid to ruffle feathers.  I know I duck my head in the sand and avoid whenever possible.  It's both a coping technique and a huge flaw I have to overcome.  I'm currently afraid to speak up for myself because I feel like I am still being tied down in order to keep the peace and bide my time.  It's excruciatingly painful for me to bite my tongue and not just come right out and say "NO" or to ask what my options are.  I'm working on it though.

My younger self would be proud of my education accomplishments.  I knew it was going to be a tough road, I didn't have a lot of focus or passion for school yet I knew I wanted a degree.  I took the long, hard path but I got there and I know my younger self would be giving me a huge high five for it

This is a picture of me right now curled up on the couch with cat nestled on my lap.  I love that in this moment, so simple and normal, I am very happy and contented.  I'm living what I thought was my worst fear, being alone, and instead I don't feel self-pity for myself in fact I rarely feel lonely.  I love that this picture is me feeling perfectly fine to have my kids upstairs asleep and me watching Fuller House before heading to my bed as well.

Well, the obvious of course is my kids, they really challenge me, impress me, and genuinely make me happy every day.  But there are things I'm learning to really take notice of.  Nature, in general, makes me happy to be alive.  Mountains, forests, the ocean, it's beautiful and taking in gorgeous scenery just makes me happy to be on this planet.  Sunsets, beautiful clouds, a vibrant blue sky, storm clouds rolling in, the world is just amazingly beautiful in its own natural state.  I get humbled by nature and I remember that I am a lucky person to have lived in different areas of this country.  I lived at the base of snow-capped mountains, I saw northern lights, I get snowstorms and I've seen gorgeous fall leaves so vibrant they almost look fake.  I live near the ocean where icebergs and whales arrive on my back door, and I've witnessed all sorts of wild animals int heir natural habitat.  It all makes me happy to be alive.

oh God, I hate these questions.  

Ok well, I would describe myself as a judgment-free person, helpful, honest, empathetic to a fault, eager to listen to friends who need an ear.  Introverted at times but strives to be extroverted.  A dreamer who envisions making a huge difference in this world and someone who has found her passion but not an avenue to use it yet.

I think for me this is less about how I can set better boundaries and more about how I can maintain my boundaries.  I am pretty proud of this accomplishment actually.  I set some very strong, very restrictive boundaries on myself and contact with people who antagonize me, are dishonest with me, and have no genuine interest in my well-being.  I've gone into zero contact and I've maintained that for over a year solid.  To a lesser extent, I have used those boundaries with others, keeping those at arm's length who I don't feel a solid trust and connection with, and reminding myself that not everyone in my "friends" list needs to be privy to all my details.

Still, to answer this question I guess right now I could separate home and work better.  My job runs 24/7 and I am the sole person running the branch here so texts and phone calls for after-hours issues are common.  Usually, I answer them and stop my life to fix it, but I need to start redirecting them to our on-call person and refusing to check my work phone during unpaid hours.