I've been quiet because life is difficult right now. I struggle to find the good in anything and I worry myself into an ulcer because of my worst nightmare unfolding in front of me. I am reminded that I should worry less and let truth take over because my truth is a good one, but that's still difficult when the monster in front of you stalks around lashing out constantly and threatening your world.
My birthdays have always been so-so. I have never been able to put my finger on it. There were years I got expensive gifts from Tiffany & Co, I've had parties, I've had cake, yet every year I would feel this intense void, sadness, unhappiness over the day. I worried about my birthday this year, when I can barely crack a smile to the world I wasn't sure how I would make it through this day, yet this year was the greatest birthday of my entire life.
The week leading up the kids had gone out to get me presents, my best friend taking J and I took E. She scoured the stores then chose the item. My shy and timid little girl asked the clerk for help, showed her the item, they took it behind the counter and boxed it up, then the clerk asked me to come and swipe my card (the very important last step). J planned out the epic cake he wanted to make me and while I made all the components, the chocolate fudge cake with a GIANT homemade chocolate chip cookie in the middle and homemade chocolate buttercream icing was his design and it was delicious.
I woke that morning to E cuddled into bed with me as usual, she greeted me with Happy Birthday Mama! J greeted me similar and was so excited for the day. I got a free tea at the coffee shop, lots of greetings and emails online, my friend dropped me down a coffee and had a chat, a letter from my pen pal in Croatia arrived on my birthday which was such a treat and my favorite soap and bath bomb shop gave me a free bath bomb to enjoy.
When I picked J up from daycare his entire daycare sang to me and he had made a special gift, E had made me homemade cards. We got home and I opened their presents, a sweater from E and an ugly sweater mug from J that made me laugh. My parents, the kids, and my best friend and her family all went out to a nice restaurant for supper where I had more presents and the restaurant sang to me! We all went back home for a slice of cake and hung out for the night happy and contended.
It has nothing to do with the items I got, I think what made this birthday so special was knowing I was with people who wanted to be with me. People who care for me and I felt very peaceful the entire day even when an email threatened that peacefulness for an hour or two.
So I write this today to read back and remember how happy I felt. Because I know the next 5-10 months are going to be pure hell to the most literal term you can get, and I will need all the reminders of the good in my life and the happiness I have around me.
Tonight we got ready and went to see the grandparents, we ate pizza supper with our friends, then headed out with a nice group to get our loot. The weather was gorgeous, the rain had dried up earlier and the temps were pleasant. We had a blast. On our way home we stopped at the crazy decorated house J loves, then we did my childhood street that gets barely any trick or treaters and my neighbors love to see the kids coming.
We come home and dump out the goodies, arranging them into piles and fighting over who gets what. I claimed the can of vanilla coke!! The kids are now tucked into bed exhausted, each got to eat a tiny bar and a little bag of chips but are already planning on what they are gorging on tomorrow.
My step counter says I went over 12,000 steps and so I too am having a little bar and a small bag of chips, and a glass of Bailey's while I lie in bed and feel good about tonight.
A small little voice told me this was the best Halloween ever while she hugged me tight around my neck and I smile, I remember that this is the good that comes with all the hard of parenting and it makes me revived and ready to parent again tomorrow. Memories I can never recreate and memories I will cherish.
It's been a lot of activity around here. I'm stressed to the max with everything on my plate so my relief is to stay busy, stay active, and enjoy life. September and October in Newfoundland are my favorite months ever. It's beautiful with fall colors but the temps routinely get 15-20 degrees celsius beckoning you outdoors. I've been going to farms to pet animals, agricultural fairs, brunches at my fave cafe, having birthday parties, pumpkin patches, backyard fires, and hikes to waterfalls where the kids can play in the shallow and still warm water.
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| Our favorite farmers market has their seasonal corn |
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| donut milkshakes at our local cafe |
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| pumpkin patch |
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| this year we drilled our pumpkins |
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| the scene at the end of a hike |
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| pathway to the waterfall |
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| fresh cranberries for real cranberry sauce |
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| watching baby chicks hatch |
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| then holding them and snuggling them |
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| fresh corn at the corn boil |
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| The pumpkin J made for the Agricultural Fair |
My support system is fantastic. I have friends who whip me away to Walmart to stock up on chocolate bars and bags of chips after a particularly stressful event, who goes out to eat with me, who pounds on my window early on a Saturday morning demanding I get up so we can hit the highway and see fall leaves and smell the ocean.
I have friends who are texts/phone calls of support that means just as much to me. They support me by listening to me, reaffirming that I am ok and that I can do this. They check in and sometimes I can listen to them and help them as well, doing that really helps me because I feel I am giving back to our friendship not just taking from it.
I have incredible sisters who have strengths in completely different ways. One who gets all riled up with me, who gives me strategies, who gives me words and encourages my actions. The other a solid pillar of strength who is calm and rational. Who makes me think before acting, who calls me out on my decisions when they are based on anger, not logic, and who listens for hours while I talk out my feelings until I can see again.
To make it stronger I just wish I was around my family more. The family I sometimes need to cower behind and let them take the lead. When my sister did something for me this summer I couldn't do, it took an enormous weight off my shoulders and I felt like for once I could pass the buck and take a breather.
Hmmm, interesting. I feel bad when I let my body take over my choices. When I want to eat junk foods, not be active, sleep more than usual, and be lazy. When I do these things I feel good for the first little bit but then I feel bad. I start to feel yucky, my head hurts, my body aches more, and my patience level is low. I really got to stop doing this.
I'm working on believing that I deserve to be heard. A lot of what is happening in my life right now is about me telling my story and a lot of times I doubt that others hear me and understand. Then I doubt if I should even say it out loud. I have felt the sting of victim blaming, the look of doubt, I've felt the tears well up and my body reacts to not being heard. I almost talked myself out of saying it but no, I believe I deserve to be heard and I deserve to own my story and not be afraid to tell my truth
Oh, today I need a break. Today work has me doing some pretty intense things, it's my mothers birthday so I am running around to get flowers and cards and go visit her with the kids. My oldest is feeling anxious and not overly well today, and I have a laundry list of things I need to do for this weekend because it's a big one. Today I think I need to get the kids to bed early, I need to run a hot bath with a bath bomb, and I need to turn down the lights and squirrel away with a good book for an hour. I need to change my sheets and make the bed so when I get in it feels so inviting and warm. I need screens to go away, the phone to be mute, and my mind to shut down for just an hour and escape away into a story far removed from my current one.
