In our house

My support system is fantastic.  I have friends who whip me away to Walmart to stock up on chocolate bars and bags of chips after a particularly stressful event, who goes out to eat with me, who pounds on my window early on a Saturday morning demanding I get up so we can hit the highway and see fall leaves and smell the ocean.

I have friends who are texts/phone calls of support that means just as much to me.  They support me by listening to me, reaffirming that I am ok and that I can do this.  They check in and sometimes I can listen to them and help them as well, doing that really helps me because I feel I am giving back to our friendship not just taking from it.

I have incredible sisters who have strengths in completely different ways.  One who gets all riled up with me, who gives me strategies, who gives me words and encourages my actions.  The other a solid pillar of strength who is calm and rational.  Who makes me think before acting, who calls me out on my decisions when they are based on anger, not logic, and who listens for hours while I talk out my feelings until I can see again.

To make it stronger I just wish I was around my family more.  The family I sometimes need to cower behind and let them take the lead.  When my sister did something for me this summer I couldn't do, it took an enormous weight off my shoulders and I felt like for once I could pass the buck and take a breather. 

Hmmm, interesting.  I feel bad when I let my body take over my choices.  When I want to eat junk foods, not be active, sleep more than usual, and be lazy.  When I do these things I feel good for the first little bit but then I feel bad.  I start to feel yucky, my head hurts, my body aches more, and my patience level is low.  I really got to stop doing this.

I'm working on believing that I deserve to be heard.  A lot of what is happening in my life right now is about me telling my story and a lot of times I doubt that others hear me and understand.  Then I doubt if I should even say it out loud.  I have felt the sting of victim blaming, the look of doubt, I've felt the tears well up and my body reacts to not being heard.  I almost talked myself out of saying it but no, I believe I deserve to be heard and I deserve to own my story and not be afraid to tell my truth

Oh, today I need a break.  Today work has me doing some pretty intense things, it's my mothers birthday so I am running around to get flowers and cards and go visit her with the kids.  My oldest is feeling anxious and not overly well today, and I have a laundry list of things I need to do for this weekend because it's a big one.  Today I think I need to get the kids to bed early, I need to run a hot bath with a bath bomb, and I need to turn down the lights and squirrel away with a good book for an hour.  I need to change my sheets and make the bed so when I get in it feels so inviting and warm.  I need screens to go away, the phone to be mute, and my mind to shut down for just an hour and escape away into a story far removed from my current one.

I like to think I am making the world a better place by raising kids who will give back positively.  I take raising the next generation pretty seriously and I truly believe that I have the ability to really mess it up if I take this gift and squander it.  I am helping to mold little brains, teach moral lessons, give them a compass from which to refer to later in their lives.  I will show them the wrong ways to do things so they do better, I will build them up so they feel strong to speak out and make a change, I will expect them to be nothing but judgement free humans who look to empower those around them, not break people down so they can shine brighter.  I am raising a very empathetic little boy and a hard-willed little girl who hasn't let her claws out yet but watch out when she does.  I like to think that through them I am making this world a better place.

Hmmm, when I think about that question I say I can stop wishing I had things that others had, I could stop feeling anger for the past and just feel grateful for the future, I could stop measuring my success with material things vs what I truly give to those around me.  So, so hard to do.  But I know if I do make these mental changes and focus hard on valuing myself and my accomplishments then I will increase my happiness greatly.

Last week in the hour that work was over before I had to get the kids from daycare I booked an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed and my hair freshly cut.  It's such an easy thing that makes me feel so good about myself but is so easily forgotten in the hustle and bustle of other tasks and errands.