I've been quiet because life is difficult right now.  I struggle to find the good in anything and I worry myself into an ulcer because of my worst nightmare unfolding in front of me.  I am reminded that I should worry less and let truth take over because my truth is a good one, but that's still difficult when the monster in front of you stalks around lashing out constantly and threatening your world.

My birthdays have always been so-so.  I have never been able to put my finger on it.  There were years I got expensive gifts from Tiffany & Co, I've had parties, I've had cake, yet every year I would feel this intense void, sadness, unhappiness over the day.  I worried about my birthday this year, when I can barely crack a smile to the world I wasn't sure how I would make it through this day, yet this year was the greatest birthday of my entire life.

The week leading up the kids had gone out to get me presents, my best friend taking J and I took E.  She scoured the stores then chose the item.  My shy and timid little girl asked the clerk for help, showed her the item, they took it behind the counter and boxed it up, then the clerk asked me to come and swipe my card (the very important last step).  J planned out the epic cake he wanted to make me and while I made all the components, the chocolate fudge cake with a GIANT homemade chocolate chip cookie in the middle and homemade chocolate buttercream icing was his design and it was delicious.

I woke that morning to E cuddled into bed with me as usual, she greeted me with Happy Birthday Mama!  J greeted me similar and was so excited for the day.  I got a free tea at the coffee shop, lots of greetings and emails online, my friend dropped me down a coffee and had a chat, a letter from my pen pal in Croatia arrived on my birthday which was such a treat and my favorite soap and bath bomb shop gave me a free bath bomb to enjoy. 

When I picked J up from daycare his entire daycare sang to me and he had made a special gift, E had made me homemade cards.  We got home and I opened their presents, a sweater from E and an ugly sweater mug from J that made me laugh.  My parents, the kids, and my best friend and her family all went out to a nice restaurant for supper where I had more presents and the restaurant sang to me!  We all went back home for a slice of cake and hung out for the night happy and contended.

It has nothing to do with the items I got, I think what made this birthday so special was knowing I was with people who wanted to be with me.  People who care for me and I felt very peaceful the entire day even when an email threatened that peacefulness for an hour or two. 

So I write this today to read back and remember how happy I felt.  Because I know the next 5-10 months are going to be pure hell to the most literal term you can get, and I will need all the reminders of the good in my life and the happiness I have around me.