In our house

I allowed myself to travel.  I've always loved to travel and always had the travel bug.  Growing up my family detested it so we never went further than 4 hours from our house.  As soon as I met X and we were in a career where travel was possible I began my dream travel boards.  Being awarded thousands of free dollars to go places excited me but alas he dictated our travel plans and my dreams of California, Ireland, Hawaii, New York, were replaced by selfish and indulgent trips again just hours from our door that he planned with his mistress and dragged my damaged self along on for show.  

When I was free I immediately began the task of preparing myself to travel alone.  Knowing the kids would be gone for chunks of time, I wanted to get myself to a place where being alone, navigating travel, and investing the money felt natural and guilt free.  I've only done small trips but I've gone to Toronto and Calgary completely alone and count those two trips as the most loving things I've ever done for myself.  It was another step in healing, another moment of growth, a time to de-stress, and another chance to feel free and unrestricted in my ability and choices.  

I'm always afraid to ruffle feathers.  I know I duck my head in the sand and avoid whenever possible.  It's both a coping technique and a huge flaw I have to overcome.  I'm currently afraid to speak up for myself because I feel like I am still being tied down in order to keep the peace and bide my time.  It's excruciatingly painful for me to bite my tongue and not just come right out and say "NO" or to ask what my options are.  I'm working on it though.

My younger self would be proud of my education accomplishments.  I knew it was going to be a tough road, I didn't have a lot of focus or passion for school yet I knew I wanted a degree.  I took the long, hard path but I got there and I know my younger self would be giving me a huge high five for it

This is a picture of me right now curled up on the couch with cat nestled on my lap.  I love that in this moment, so simple and normal, I am very happy and contented.  I'm living what I thought was my worst fear, being alone, and instead I don't feel self-pity for myself in fact I rarely feel lonely.  I love that this picture is me feeling perfectly fine to have my kids upstairs asleep and me watching Fuller House before heading to my bed as well.

Well, the obvious of course is my kids, they really challenge me, impress me, and genuinely make me happy every day.  But there are things I'm learning to really take notice of.  Nature, in general, makes me happy to be alive.  Mountains, forests, the ocean, it's beautiful and taking in gorgeous scenery just makes me happy to be on this planet.  Sunsets, beautiful clouds, a vibrant blue sky, storm clouds rolling in, the world is just amazingly beautiful in its own natural state.  I get humbled by nature and I remember that I am a lucky person to have lived in different areas of this country.  I lived at the base of snow-capped mountains, I saw northern lights, I get snowstorms and I've seen gorgeous fall leaves so vibrant they almost look fake.  I live near the ocean where icebergs and whales arrive on my back door, and I've witnessed all sorts of wild animals int heir natural habitat.  It all makes me happy to be alive.

oh God, I hate these questions.  

Ok well, I would describe myself as a judgment-free person, helpful, honest, empathetic to a fault, eager to listen to friends who need an ear.  Introverted at times but strives to be extroverted.  A dreamer who envisions making a huge difference in this world and someone who has found her passion but not an avenue to use it yet.

I think for me this is less about how I can set better boundaries and more about how I can maintain my boundaries.  I am pretty proud of this accomplishment actually.  I set some very strong, very restrictive boundaries on myself and contact with people who antagonize me, are dishonest with me, and have no genuine interest in my well-being.  I've gone into zero contact and I've maintained that for over a year solid.  To a lesser extent, I have used those boundaries with others, keeping those at arm's length who I don't feel a solid trust and connection with, and reminding myself that not everyone in my "friends" list needs to be privy to all my details.

Still, to answer this question I guess right now I could separate home and work better.  My job runs 24/7 and I am the sole person running the branch here so texts and phone calls for after-hours issues are common.  Usually, I answer them and stop my life to fix it, but I need to start redirecting them to our on-call person and refusing to check my work phone during unpaid hours.  

Well, a lot of things actually.  I've been working hard at living minimal, being thoughtful when I buy something and truly thinking if it will make me happy or just clutter my world.  I've given away endless bags of clothes and toys and I am still working on getting rid of stuff.

But what is something in my life that I need to get rid of?  Well, physical or emotional?  I'll focus on physical because every now and then I open my cabinet in the bathroom to grab a soap or bath bomb and tucked away behind a sweet little jar that holds my tampons...yup...is my wedding band, engagement ring, and a ring I was given by X for my birthday shortly after we dated.  They are nothing special, I think my wedding solitaire is .33 karat and definitely nothing to write home about.  Very simple, very inexpensive, from a big chain jewelers.  I don't know why I have them other than I am not sure what to do with them.  They wouldn't bring much money on a buy and sell and honestly I couldn't stomach handing over that bad juju to someone else, there's no real cash for gold around here, and I certainly don't want to melt them down and use that tainted gold for another piece of jewellery, I am too superstitious for that.  But I need to get rid of them, I need to find a home for them.  Somedays I imagine I'll just take them to the Yukon with me and chuck them into a lake because that's truly where my marriage ended for me and I kind of want to leave that life all there and walk away free.

I need to slow down and take my time with my family.  I am someone who has set a high standard for myself that involves cooking delicious meals, baking for the kids, encouraging activities, and I detest just sitting around the house so I am often pushing them out the door so we can go places, do errands, be active.  While in some ways it's very therapeutic and important for me to be active and busy, I also know I find a lot of guilt when I allow us a day where we stay in pj's, stay home, watch a lot of tv and go off schedule.  I need to slow down and let my body rest sometimes, turn off my mind and just be ok with slow.

In other news, today was one of those real testaments to parenting.  Parenting a child with different and often difficult needs is exhausting and as things change in their lives, strategies have to as well.  J's teacher called today to tell me of a success and a struggle they had.  I gave her my opinion and words of advice but warned her that I too was navigating some unknown territory since there have been changes in his life so we are both going to falter and that's ok.  

Tonight while we were eating supper, I gave him a fair warning that he had to finish his spelling worksheet.  I let him know that he was free to go play but I would be calling him to do it and I gave him roughly an hour then called him to come to the table while I cleaned up.  Immediately I could tell he was not into it, whiney, complaining about stilly fake pains in his legs, antsy, generally just being hard to get along with.  I had two choices in that moment, let him go and attempt at another time or have him sit and work through it so I  made a snap decision that we were going to work through it.  

In my head I knew he had had a decent day, he wasn't hungry, he wasn't sleepy, and I was there keeping him company so he could reasonably do his work.  There were tears, there was stamping of feet, I issued a warning, then I issued what the consequence would be, he knows I follow through.  My heart was saying stop and let the poor boy go, it's just spelling work, but my head said no this is a learning point for him keep him going.  I didn't engage the nonsense just went about preparing supper for the next night and telling him to stop defeating himself, that he was capable and able and I expect him to try.  

I turned my back and chopped an onion, steeling myself for the fallout tantrum I felt was inevitable.  To my surprise, he calmed himself after my little speech and he did the work.  He did it neatly and he did it correctly.  Then without a word, he pulled the chair over to the stove and began stirring the meat for our beef and barley crock pot soup.  He asked me questions about the meat, how I know it's cooked, what spices I put in, then he asked to chop the vegetables and open the can of tomatoes for me.  He put it all together in the crockpot and added the things I told him to and remarked a few times about how he really should be helping me cook more.  He was pleasant and enjoyable and I reminded myself to trust my parenting.  

I have known this little boy for 9 years and I know how to push him forward and when to back off.  I know his capabilities and how he limits himself.  I trusted my parenting and it paid off because he trusted me.  When I told him I believed in him and that he was his own obstacle, he listened and tore through that obstacle.  I chose not to reward him with praise about his spelling homework instead, I thanked him for helping me cook and offered him the chance to help anytime.  As much as he needs to know I am behind him, I need him to realize that he has the ability to support himself and believe in his own abilities too.  Today was a good parenting day.

ok, well personality I think I love that I find life funny and can usually find something to laugh at.  I love to laugh, I am drawn to the people that make me laugh, nothing recharges me and makes me feel so entirely content as a good laugh that brings tears to my eyes.  Having a sense of humor and not being afraid to use it is definitely a good personality trait.

Body, that's so different.  Right now I don't love my body.  It feels broken and is letting me down as my running has once again been derailed by my body.  So what do I love about it?  I'm seriously here thinking hard.  I like my abnormally long arms but not enough to say that's my body part I love, I like my broad shoulders, I heard nice things about my neck, I've been complimented on my cheek bones, I don't know this is really hard.  Doesn't that say a lot.  I had no trouble with my personality but my physical appearance is so difficult to accept.  Wow I don't know.  Well I guess this is the point of this challenge of the next 31 days.  I've discovered that I can't say I like anything about my body and that's not good enough when I am modeling how to love a body to my own children, one of which told me today that kids are calling him chubby and he can't run because he's too fat to keep up.  Time to make some mindful changes.  At the end of this challenge I WILL have a body part I love.

Oh, this is a big one.  I'm working on it slowly but it's a good reminder.  I need to forgive myself for the person I was in my past.  For being weak, for being taken advantage of, and for being led into doing things I hated and things I knew were not me.  I turned meek, mild, I hurt my family and some friends.  Most of all I let someone abuse me and I let them humiliate me while I essentially helped them do it.  I understand now through therapy how abuse works and how it snuck up on me, but I still hate that I was such a weak person and I hate the stuff I let happen.  I hate that I did not voice my anger, I hate that this person held so much power over me.  But I have to forgive myself for that, realize that once I was free I made amends and I worked hard on myself.  I put myself back together and made myself stronger and better.  Yet still, I have trouble forgiving myself for screwing up my life because I feel ripped off of being a wonderful wife and partner and having my kids raised in a non-broken home and I still blame myself for picking the guy who ruined it all.

2016 was my year of yes.  I had to say yes to anything that I would normally say no to because it was out of my comfort level or was something I was a little afraid to attempt.  That year made me push myself a lot, really tackle some hard things both mentally and physically.  I took chances, some worked out and some didn't, but I have to say overall 2016 brought me some of the experiences I have filed away as the most fun I have had in my life.  So I find that this is something I have really tackled and achieved, saying yes to things. 

Hmmm, this is a great question because I think the compliments we struggle to accept are the ones that touch on the things we are most sensitive about or disbelieve the most in ourselves.  I really struggle with being told I am pretty.  I don't hear it often and when I do I tend to dismiss it completely or if it's a man I tend to believe it has ulterior motives and I really struggle to believe it.  I remember getting up the courage to do some Boudoir photos done au natural and there was a questionnaire first, on it was basically this question and I answered the same as today.  In the middle of shooting she stopped and said "I can't believe you think you aren't pretty, you are stunning the camera is loving you."  in the moment I managed to run with it but I never truly believed her.  I need to start telling myself I am beautiful, I'll never believe someone else if I don't believe myself.

Funny enough I was thinking about this the other day and the habit I want to start is making my bed in the morning.  In theory, it's supposed to start you off on a good foot, one task completed and give you the momentum to keep completing tasks.  Also, at the end of a busy day, it's a real joy to pull back the duvet and climb into a warm comfy bed.  So that's what I'll do.  In the summer months, it's just a sheet and a light quilt anyway so 1 minute tops to the start of a new good habit.

and sort of related, because I really want to climb into a warm bed and go to sleep right now, today was one of those days that starts a nightmare you never expect to happen.  Luckily everything is fine, all is safe, the reality was far less horrendous than the truth, but all the same, it makes nightmares real.  Today I found out, while at work, that my son in grade 4 just had his school locked down and the local police along with the tactical team was there because of a perceived real threat.  Some anonymous tip of a person threatening specific schools in the area and rumors of a gun, or that's the gist of it from scattered news sources.  At first, it was like "Nah, they are doing a drill I bet, no issues." but then I started getting information from really credible sources, then I get a phone call from the school.  There is no greater feeling of pure and utter dread and helplessness than driving towards your child's school and knowing at that moment you won't be allowed in to get them.  When finally the threat was cleared the vast majority of the school were picked up for the day, despite the school ensuring that it was safe to remain.  Who can blame parents, you need that tactile connection, you need them back under your wing, you would never forgive yourself if you had that opportunity and you didn't take it.  Walking in I saw children crying, being escorted out by parents.  For many kids uniformed officers are not a normal sight, many have never seen a gun before, to have these people descend and be in full work mode not smiles and nods to the little kids is a whole other atmosphere.  I've been around police who have been in threat mode, they are all business and no public relations, which is great I don't need a smile I need you to use your training to see anything unusual and stop it immediately.  This was no Columbine, no Sandy Hook, and I have said silent prayers a thousand times today thanking God that it wasn't.  I'll never forget that feeling though, I've never experienced that amount of fear for my children ever.  And I thank my poor friend Johanna who had to endure a very panicked, very out of the blue call from me while I tried to maintain composure enough to drive to the school, having her at phones length made that drive bearable at least.

Let's all remember to thank those wonderful teachers and staff who truly do put your children first in times of crisis, and of course, those police who again run towards a threat while we all run away.    

Hmmm, I'm surprised this is such a hard question today but it is.  What do I feel limited by?  I guess what stands out for me is that I don't believe that anyone believes me.  I know that sounds odd but it's something I do struggle with.  For years I was told that my opinion didn't count and that my word vs his would never stand the test of time.  To this day I have trouble believing that people will believe me even when I sit with proof in my hand.  It does limit me because it has stopped me from attempting to do things I want to do and things I have to do.  It's caused me anxiety and endless amounts of rumination.  So I need to get rid of that belief.  I need to remind myself that no, not all the time will people believe me completely but when it comes down to the truth when it really matters, then I will be rewarded with people who do believe me because I am smart and I am level headed and I am telling the truth.

I'm struggling lately with loving myself.  I'm hard on myself and I have let the voices of doubt and the voices of a vicious man override my own thoughts too much.  We're all about self-care these days, taking walks, eating well, warm baths, time out with friends, but are we really advocating self-love?  We are healthiest and strongest when we love ourselves when we feel we are loveable, when we feel worthy and when we feel like we have value.  But it takes a lot of energy to feel that, and very little effort to tear it all away.  So on Pinterest the other day I found this pin and thought "wow, I need this."  Then I discovered it's a whole website and was quite intrigued.  So over the course of the next 31 days, I plan to answer these thought provoking questions and learn better how to love myself and hopefully come back to read this on the days I doubt myself.

Today's question: My biggest struggle with loving myself is that I find myself concentrating more on the things I do wrong, my mistakes and my flaws, rather than the things I do right.  I beat myself up over mistakes or decisions I make and then convince myself that no one else would have done that or that people are better at things than me.