I've been quiet because life is difficult right now. I struggle to find the good in anything and I worry myself into an ulcer because of my worst nightmare unfolding in front of me. I am reminded that I should worry less and let truth take over because my truth is a good one, but that's still difficult when the monster in front of you stalks around lashing out constantly and threatening your world.
My birthdays have always been so-so. I have never been able to put my finger on it. There were years I got expensive gifts from Tiffany & Co, I've had parties, I've had cake, yet every year I would feel this intense void, sadness, unhappiness over the day. I worried about my birthday this year, when I can barely crack a smile to the world I wasn't sure how I would make it through this day, yet this year was the greatest birthday of my entire life.
The week leading up the kids had gone out to get me presents, my best friend taking J and I took E. She scoured the stores then chose the item. My shy and timid little girl asked the clerk for help, showed her the item, they took it behind the counter and boxed it up, then the clerk asked me to come and swipe my card (the very important last step). J planned out the epic cake he wanted to make me and while I made all the components, the chocolate fudge cake with a GIANT homemade chocolate chip cookie in the middle and homemade chocolate buttercream icing was his design and it was delicious.
I woke that morning to E cuddled into bed with me as usual, she greeted me with Happy Birthday Mama! J greeted me similar and was so excited for the day. I got a free tea at the coffee shop, lots of greetings and emails online, my friend dropped me down a coffee and had a chat, a letter from my pen pal in Croatia arrived on my birthday which was such a treat and my favorite soap and bath bomb shop gave me a free bath bomb to enjoy.
When I picked J up from daycare his entire daycare sang to me and he had made a special gift, E had made me homemade cards. We got home and I opened their presents, a sweater from E and an ugly sweater mug from J that made me laugh. My parents, the kids, and my best friend and her family all went out to a nice restaurant for supper where I had more presents and the restaurant sang to me! We all went back home for a slice of cake and hung out for the night happy and contended.
It has nothing to do with the items I got, I think what made this birthday so special was knowing I was with people who wanted to be with me. People who care for me and I felt very peaceful the entire day even when an email threatened that peacefulness for an hour or two.
So I write this today to read back and remember how happy I felt. Because I know the next 5-10 months are going to be pure hell to the most literal term you can get, and I will need all the reminders of the good in my life and the happiness I have around me.
Tonight we got ready and went to see the grandparents, we ate pizza supper with our friends, then headed out with a nice group to get our loot. The weather was gorgeous, the rain had dried up earlier and the temps were pleasant. We had a blast. On our way home we stopped at the crazy decorated house J loves, then we did my childhood street that gets barely any trick or treaters and my neighbors love to see the kids coming.
We come home and dump out the goodies, arranging them into piles and fighting over who gets what. I claimed the can of vanilla coke!! The kids are now tucked into bed exhausted, each got to eat a tiny bar and a little bag of chips but are already planning on what they are gorging on tomorrow.
My step counter says I went over 12,000 steps and so I too am having a little bar and a small bag of chips, and a glass of Bailey's while I lie in bed and feel good about tonight.
A small little voice told me this was the best Halloween ever while she hugged me tight around my neck and I smile, I remember that this is the good that comes with all the hard of parenting and it makes me revived and ready to parent again tomorrow. Memories I can never recreate and memories I will cherish.
It's been a lot of activity around here. I'm stressed to the max with everything on my plate so my relief is to stay busy, stay active, and enjoy life. September and October in Newfoundland are my favorite months ever. It's beautiful with fall colors but the temps routinely get 15-20 degrees celsius beckoning you outdoors. I've been going to farms to pet animals, agricultural fairs, brunches at my fave cafe, having birthday parties, pumpkin patches, backyard fires, and hikes to waterfalls where the kids can play in the shallow and still warm water.
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| Our favorite farmers market has their seasonal corn |
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| donut milkshakes at our local cafe |
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| pumpkin patch |
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| this year we drilled our pumpkins |
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| the scene at the end of a hike |
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| pathway to the waterfall |
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| fresh cranberries for real cranberry sauce |
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| watching baby chicks hatch |
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| then holding them and snuggling them |
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| fresh corn at the corn boil |
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| The pumpkin J made for the Agricultural Fair |
My support system is fantastic. I have friends who whip me away to Walmart to stock up on chocolate bars and bags of chips after a particularly stressful event, who goes out to eat with me, who pounds on my window early on a Saturday morning demanding I get up so we can hit the highway and see fall leaves and smell the ocean.
I have friends who are texts/phone calls of support that means just as much to me. They support me by listening to me, reaffirming that I am ok and that I can do this. They check in and sometimes I can listen to them and help them as well, doing that really helps me because I feel I am giving back to our friendship not just taking from it.
I have incredible sisters who have strengths in completely different ways. One who gets all riled up with me, who gives me strategies, who gives me words and encourages my actions. The other a solid pillar of strength who is calm and rational. Who makes me think before acting, who calls me out on my decisions when they are based on anger, not logic, and who listens for hours while I talk out my feelings until I can see again.
To make it stronger I just wish I was around my family more. The family I sometimes need to cower behind and let them take the lead. When my sister did something for me this summer I couldn't do, it took an enormous weight off my shoulders and I felt like for once I could pass the buck and take a breather.
Hmmm, interesting. I feel bad when I let my body take over my choices. When I want to eat junk foods, not be active, sleep more than usual, and be lazy. When I do these things I feel good for the first little bit but then I feel bad. I start to feel yucky, my head hurts, my body aches more, and my patience level is low. I really got to stop doing this.
I'm working on believing that I deserve to be heard. A lot of what is happening in my life right now is about me telling my story and a lot of times I doubt that others hear me and understand. Then I doubt if I should even say it out loud. I have felt the sting of victim blaming, the look of doubt, I've felt the tears well up and my body reacts to not being heard. I almost talked myself out of saying it but no, I believe I deserve to be heard and I deserve to own my story and not be afraid to tell my truth
Oh, today I need a break. Today work has me doing some pretty intense things, it's my mothers birthday so I am running around to get flowers and cards and go visit her with the kids. My oldest is feeling anxious and not overly well today, and I have a laundry list of things I need to do for this weekend because it's a big one. Today I think I need to get the kids to bed early, I need to run a hot bath with a bath bomb, and I need to turn down the lights and squirrel away with a good book for an hour. I need to change my sheets and make the bed so when I get in it feels so inviting and warm. I need screens to go away, the phone to be mute, and my mind to shut down for just an hour and escape away into a story far removed from my current one.
I like to think I am making the world a better place by raising kids who will give back positively. I take raising the next generation pretty seriously and I truly believe that I have the ability to really mess it up if I take this gift and squander it. I am helping to mold little brains, teach moral lessons, give them a compass from which to refer to later in their lives. I will show them the wrong ways to do things so they do better, I will build them up so they feel strong to speak out and make a change, I will expect them to be nothing but judgement free humans who look to empower those around them, not break people down so they can shine brighter. I am raising a very empathetic little boy and a hard-willed little girl who hasn't let her claws out yet but watch out when she does. I like to think that through them I am making this world a better place.
Hmmm, when I think about that question I say I can stop wishing I had things that others had, I could stop feeling anger for the past and just feel grateful for the future, I could stop measuring my success with material things vs what I truly give to those around me. So, so hard to do. But I know if I do make these mental changes and focus hard on valuing myself and my accomplishments then I will increase my happiness greatly.
Last week in the hour that work was over before I had to get the kids from daycare I booked an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed and my hair freshly cut. It's such an easy thing that makes me feel so good about myself but is so easily forgotten in the hustle and bustle of other tasks and errands.
I allowed myself to travel. I've always loved to travel and always had the travel bug. Growing up my family detested it so we never went further than 4 hours from our house. As soon as I met X and we were in a career where travel was possible I began my dream travel boards. Being awarded thousands of free dollars to go places excited me but alas he dictated our travel plans and my dreams of California, Ireland, Hawaii, New York, were replaced by selfish and indulgent trips again just hours from our door that he planned with his mistress and dragged my damaged self along on for show.
When I was free I immediately began the task of preparing myself to travel alone. Knowing the kids would be gone for chunks of time, I wanted to get myself to a place where being alone, navigating travel, and investing the money felt natural and guilt free. I've only done small trips but I've gone to Toronto and Calgary completely alone and count those two trips as the most loving things I've ever done for myself. It was another step in healing, another moment of growth, a time to de-stress, and another chance to feel free and unrestricted in my ability and choices.
I'm always afraid to ruffle feathers. I know I duck my head in the sand and avoid whenever possible. It's both a coping technique and a huge flaw I have to overcome. I'm currently afraid to speak up for myself because I feel like I am still being tied down in order to keep the peace and bide my time. It's excruciatingly painful for me to bite my tongue and not just come right out and say "NO" or to ask what my options are. I'm working on it though.
My younger self would be proud of my education accomplishments. I knew it was going to be a tough road, I didn't have a lot of focus or passion for school yet I knew I wanted a degree. I took the long, hard path but I got there and I know my younger self would be giving me a huge high five for it
This is a picture of me right now curled up on the couch with cat nestled on my lap. I love that in this moment, so simple and normal, I am very happy and contented. I'm living what I thought was my worst fear, being alone, and instead I don't feel self-pity for myself in fact I rarely feel lonely. I love that this picture is me feeling perfectly fine to have my kids upstairs asleep and me watching Fuller House before heading to my bed as well.
Well, the obvious of course is my kids, they really challenge me, impress me, and genuinely make me happy every day. But there are things I'm learning to really take notice of. Nature, in general, makes me happy to be alive. Mountains, forests, the ocean, it's beautiful and taking in gorgeous scenery just makes me happy to be on this planet. Sunsets, beautiful clouds, a vibrant blue sky, storm clouds rolling in, the world is just amazingly beautiful in its own natural state. I get humbled by nature and I remember that I am a lucky person to have lived in different areas of this country. I lived at the base of snow-capped mountains, I saw northern lights, I get snowstorms and I've seen gorgeous fall leaves so vibrant they almost look fake. I live near the ocean where icebergs and whales arrive on my back door, and I've witnessed all sorts of wild animals int heir natural habitat. It all makes me happy to be alive.
oh God, I hate these questions.
Ok well, I would describe myself as a judgment-free person, helpful, honest, empathetic to a fault, eager to listen to friends who need an ear. Introverted at times but strives to be extroverted. A dreamer who envisions making a huge difference in this world and someone who has found her passion but not an avenue to use it yet.
I think for me this is less about how I can set better boundaries and more about how I can maintain my boundaries. I am pretty proud of this accomplishment actually. I set some very strong, very restrictive boundaries on myself and contact with people who antagonize me, are dishonest with me, and have no genuine interest in my well-being. I've gone into zero contact and I've maintained that for over a year solid. To a lesser extent, I have used those boundaries with others, keeping those at arm's length who I don't feel a solid trust and connection with, and reminding myself that not everyone in my "friends" list needs to be privy to all my details.
Still, to answer this question I guess right now I could separate home and work better. My job runs 24/7 and I am the sole person running the branch here so texts and phone calls for after-hours issues are common. Usually, I answer them and stop my life to fix it, but I need to start redirecting them to our on-call person and refusing to check my work phone during unpaid hours.
Well, a lot of things actually. I've been working hard at living minimal, being thoughtful when I buy something and truly thinking if it will make me happy or just clutter my world. I've given away endless bags of clothes and toys and I am still working on getting rid of stuff.
But what is something in my life that I need to get rid of? Well, physical or emotional? I'll focus on physical because every now and then I open my cabinet in the bathroom to grab a soap or bath bomb and tucked away behind a sweet little jar that holds my tampons...yup...is my wedding band, engagement ring, and a ring I was given by X for my birthday shortly after we dated. They are nothing special, I think my wedding solitaire is .33 karat and definitely nothing to write home about. Very simple, very inexpensive, from a big chain jewelers. I don't know why I have them other than I am not sure what to do with them. They wouldn't bring much money on a buy and sell and honestly I couldn't stomach handing over that bad juju to someone else, there's no real cash for gold around here, and I certainly don't want to melt them down and use that tainted gold for another piece of jewellery, I am too superstitious for that. But I need to get rid of them, I need to find a home for them. Somedays I imagine I'll just take them to the Yukon with me and chuck them into a lake because that's truly where my marriage ended for me and I kind of want to leave that life all there and walk away free.
I need to slow down and take my time with my family. I am someone who has set a high standard for myself that involves cooking delicious meals, baking for the kids, encouraging activities, and I detest just sitting around the house so I am often pushing them out the door so we can go places, do errands, be active. While in some ways it's very therapeutic and important for me to be active and busy, I also know I find a lot of guilt when I allow us a day where we stay in pj's, stay home, watch a lot of tv and go off schedule. I need to slow down and let my body rest sometimes, turn off my mind and just be ok with slow.
In other news, today was one of those real testaments to parenting. Parenting a child with different and often difficult needs is exhausting and as things change in their lives, strategies have to as well. J's teacher called today to tell me of a success and a struggle they had. I gave her my opinion and words of advice but warned her that I too was navigating some unknown territory since there have been changes in his life so we are both going to falter and that's ok.
Tonight while we were eating supper, I gave him a fair warning that he had to finish his spelling worksheet. I let him know that he was free to go play but I would be calling him to do it and I gave him roughly an hour then called him to come to the table while I cleaned up. Immediately I could tell he was not into it, whiney, complaining about stilly fake pains in his legs, antsy, generally just being hard to get along with. I had two choices in that moment, let him go and attempt at another time or have him sit and work through it so I made a snap decision that we were going to work through it.
In my head I knew he had had a decent day, he wasn't hungry, he wasn't sleepy, and I was there keeping him company so he could reasonably do his work. There were tears, there was stamping of feet, I issued a warning, then I issued what the consequence would be, he knows I follow through. My heart was saying stop and let the poor boy go, it's just spelling work, but my head said no this is a learning point for him keep him going. I didn't engage the nonsense just went about preparing supper for the next night and telling him to stop defeating himself, that he was capable and able and I expect him to try.
I turned my back and chopped an onion, steeling myself for the fallout tantrum I felt was inevitable. To my surprise, he calmed himself after my little speech and he did the work. He did it neatly and he did it correctly. Then without a word, he pulled the chair over to the stove and began stirring the meat for our beef and barley crock pot soup. He asked me questions about the meat, how I know it's cooked, what spices I put in, then he asked to chop the vegetables and open the can of tomatoes for me. He put it all together in the crockpot and added the things I told him to and remarked a few times about how he really should be helping me cook more. He was pleasant and enjoyable and I reminded myself to trust my parenting.
I have known this little boy for 9 years and I know how to push him forward and when to back off. I know his capabilities and how he limits himself. I trusted my parenting and it paid off because he trusted me. When I told him I believed in him and that he was his own obstacle, he listened and tore through that obstacle. I chose not to reward him with praise about his spelling homework instead, I thanked him for helping me cook and offered him the chance to help anytime. As much as he needs to know I am behind him, I need him to realize that he has the ability to support himself and believe in his own abilities too. Today was a good parenting day.
ok, well personality I think I love that I find life funny and can usually find something to laugh at. I love to laugh, I am drawn to the people that make me laugh, nothing recharges me and makes me feel so entirely content as a good laugh that brings tears to my eyes. Having a sense of humor and not being afraid to use it is definitely a good personality trait.
Body, that's so different. Right now I don't love my body. It feels broken and is letting me down as my running has once again been derailed by my body. So what do I love about it? I'm seriously here thinking hard. I like my abnormally long arms but not enough to say that's my body part I love, I like my broad shoulders, I heard nice things about my neck, I've been complimented on my cheek bones, I don't know this is really hard. Doesn't that say a lot. I had no trouble with my personality but my physical appearance is so difficult to accept. Wow I don't know. Well I guess this is the point of this challenge of the next 31 days. I've discovered that I can't say I like anything about my body and that's not good enough when I am modeling how to love a body to my own children, one of which told me today that kids are calling him chubby and he can't run because he's too fat to keep up. Time to make some mindful changes. At the end of this challenge I WILL have a body part I love.
Oh, this is a big one. I'm working on it slowly but it's a good reminder. I need to forgive myself for the person I was in my past. For being weak, for being taken advantage of, and for being led into doing things I hated and things I knew were not me. I turned meek, mild, I hurt my family and some friends. Most of all I let someone abuse me and I let them humiliate me while I essentially helped them do it. I understand now through therapy how abuse works and how it snuck up on me, but I still hate that I was such a weak person and I hate the stuff I let happen. I hate that I did not voice my anger, I hate that this person held so much power over me. But I have to forgive myself for that, realize that once I was free I made amends and I worked hard on myself. I put myself back together and made myself stronger and better. Yet still, I have trouble forgiving myself for screwing up my life because I feel ripped off of being a wonderful wife and partner and having my kids raised in a non-broken home and I still blame myself for picking the guy who ruined it all.
2016 was my year of yes. I had to say yes to anything that I would normally say no to because it was out of my comfort level or was something I was a little afraid to attempt. That year made me push myself a lot, really tackle some hard things both mentally and physically. I took chances, some worked out and some didn't, but I have to say overall 2016 brought me some of the experiences I have filed away as the most fun I have had in my life. So I find that this is something I have really tackled and achieved, saying yes to things.
Hmmm, this is a great question because I think the compliments we struggle to accept are the ones that touch on the things we are most sensitive about or disbelieve the most in ourselves. I really struggle with being told I am pretty. I don't hear it often and when I do I tend to dismiss it completely or if it's a man I tend to believe it has ulterior motives and I really struggle to believe it. I remember getting up the courage to do some Boudoir photos done au natural and there was a questionnaire first, on it was basically this question and I answered the same as today. In the middle of shooting she stopped and said "I can't believe you think you aren't pretty, you are stunning the camera is loving you." in the moment I managed to run with it but I never truly believed her. I need to start telling myself I am beautiful, I'll never believe someone else if I don't believe myself.
Funny enough I was thinking about this the other day and the habit I want to start is making my bed in the morning. In theory, it's supposed to start you off on a good foot, one task completed and give you the momentum to keep completing tasks. Also, at the end of a busy day, it's a real joy to pull back the duvet and climb into a warm comfy bed. So that's what I'll do. In the summer months, it's just a sheet and a light quilt anyway so 1 minute tops to the start of a new good habit.
and sort of related, because I really want to climb into a warm bed and go to sleep right now, today was one of those days that starts a nightmare you never expect to happen. Luckily everything is fine, all is safe, the reality was far less horrendous than the truth, but all the same, it makes nightmares real. Today I found out, while at work, that my son in grade 4 just had his school locked down and the local police along with the tactical team was there because of a perceived real threat. Some anonymous tip of a person threatening specific schools in the area and rumors of a gun, or that's the gist of it from scattered news sources. At first, it was like "Nah, they are doing a drill I bet, no issues." but then I started getting information from really credible sources, then I get a phone call from the school. There is no greater feeling of pure and utter dread and helplessness than driving towards your child's school and knowing at that moment you won't be allowed in to get them. When finally the threat was cleared the vast majority of the school were picked up for the day, despite the school ensuring that it was safe to remain. Who can blame parents, you need that tactile connection, you need them back under your wing, you would never forgive yourself if you had that opportunity and you didn't take it. Walking in I saw children crying, being escorted out by parents. For many kids uniformed officers are not a normal sight, many have never seen a gun before, to have these people descend and be in full work mode not smiles and nods to the little kids is a whole other atmosphere. I've been around police who have been in threat mode, they are all business and no public relations, which is great I don't need a smile I need you to use your training to see anything unusual and stop it immediately. This was no Columbine, no Sandy Hook, and I have said silent prayers a thousand times today thanking God that it wasn't. I'll never forget that feeling though, I've never experienced that amount of fear for my children ever. And I thank my poor friend Johanna who had to endure a very panicked, very out of the blue call from me while I tried to maintain composure enough to drive to the school, having her at phones length made that drive bearable at least.
Let's all remember to thank those wonderful teachers and staff who truly do put your children first in times of crisis, and of course, those police who again run towards a threat while we all run away.
Hmmm, I'm surprised this is such a hard question today but it is. What do I feel limited by? I guess what stands out for me is that I don't believe that anyone believes me. I know that sounds odd but it's something I do struggle with. For years I was told that my opinion didn't count and that my word vs his would never stand the test of time. To this day I have trouble believing that people will believe me even when I sit with proof in my hand. It does limit me because it has stopped me from attempting to do things I want to do and things I have to do. It's caused me anxiety and endless amounts of rumination. So I need to get rid of that belief. I need to remind myself that no, not all the time will people believe me completely but when it comes down to the truth when it really matters, then I will be rewarded with people who do believe me because I am smart and I am level headed and I am telling the truth.
