In our house

For Valentines Day the kids informed me they were over chocolate so instead I gave them both a Beenie Boo.  Smallish stuffed animals that have big bright eyes and come with a tag that tells their name, a little poem, and their birthday.  Well apparently their seals - Icey - has a birthday now.  Immediately they circled the day on the calendar and told me in no uncertain terms that we were going to have to throw a birthday party for them.

So I'm always up for cake, why not really, I agreed.

The theme was decided, a menu was planned, friends were invited over. 

Yesterday we went to the dollar store where we bought an emoji tablecloth, some cups, plates, and napkins.
There was also an adorable tiny pinata so why not, we got that too and stuffed it with tiny easter eggs. 
The menu was tiny powdered donuts, tiny cupcakes, tiny birthday cake, strawberry milk, and then I threw in some fruit for good measure.

All their beanie boos were invited, the friends brought some of their own, and I sat and made tiny birthday hats for each stuffed animal. 
 The kids played, we broke the pinata, we sang happy birthday, and snacked away on treats.


Of course we sang happy birthday to the seals and cut the cake to share


And that's how we run on the weekend, we throw stuffed animal birthday parties and act like it's completely normal.  Ahhhh memories.

even cat got a hat

This week I was contacted about an incredible job opportunity in Calgary, AB that fit exactly what I would love to do with my Social Work degree.  It gives me the chance to work with marginalized individuals, discuss finances, see change, and most excitingly I get to teach.  I loved the opportunity, the salary, the benefits, the location and so I bit the bullet and I accepted the job.  I also accepted the tiny margin of time I need to get from NL to AB and the fact that I have to have a judge agree because X doesn't seem keen on me leaving the East Coast.

So suffice it to say that I am a little overwhelmed, a little stressed, really, really excited, and also weary that I am going to lose this opportunity waiting for X and the courts to make the decision BUT

this is a random Pinterest photo that I found and which very visually represents me right now

In the meantime I am de-cluttering what I can, feeling completely lost in the prospect of what has to happen in 24 hours, and carrying around a huge secret that I can't spill to the kids in case this all falls apart.  It's a lot of information swirling around in my brain, yet despite all the hard work and nail biting stress my heart and my head scream YES.  This feels like the right move for my family and I've learned to trust myself and my gut reactions.

I'm taking this time to control what I can control.  I've found a renter if I go, I've enrolled the kids in a Calgary school so I know there are spots for them, I've put out my feelers for afterschool care, I've researched what car to lease, and I have a place to live in Calgary.  All little things that give me a sense of accomplishment and like I can mentally check off things as I go. 

I'm not sure where the chips will fall on this job, whatever will be will be, but this is the first step in deciding that I want more and I need more options to provide for my family, it's something I'll keep pursuing if this one time it's not meant to be.

Hygge is a Danish word with no direct translation.  It's basically comfort found in good food, good friends, warm cozy home, candlelight and ambiance.  It's being warm and snuggled up in a wool blanket, it's wearing fluffy socks, it's petting your cat, it's a hot steamy cup of tea in your hands, it's a decadent chocolate treat, a bowl of warm stew.  It's whatever and wherever you find contentedness, peace, and happiness.

It's a buzz word right now but it's been something I've been aware of for awhile.  I found an amazing Facebook group where people just post cozy pictures of what Hygge means for them that day and it's so incredibly positive and uplifting that I feel good when I'm scrolling through my news feed to pass the time.  It's made Facebook positive for me again.


For me it's also about decluttering and my process is still on-going.  The urgent need to get rid of stuff remains and I literally feel lighter and happier as the items go flying out the door.  I've even stopped selling it just donating and passing along to those who express a desire for the item.  It's wonderful.  This weekend I hit up the dollar store with a friend who needed 100 items for her child's school assignment.  As she filled her basket with Easter trinkets, St. Patty's day necklaces, new art supplies, table cloth, balloons, some beads and crafty items, I resisted everything.  I don't need stuff in my life right now and $12 of novelty plastic stuff will bring me no happiness, no joy, just more things to add to landfills once their 8 hour purpose has passed.

Right now my Hygge is candles, earl grey tea, and good books.  I've noticed a trend of being quite sleepy but unable to settle lately so I've switched up my nightly routine of screen time for more reading and I've been dabbling in some writing that I enjoy.  Both processes tire out my mind and I find myself falling into bed eager to close my eyes and sleep. 

Hygge - a trend but something I plan to incorporate into my life and I strive to make it more simplistic, less commercialized, and a lot more comfy. 

Cat finds her own version of Hygge

I have been pain free for days.  Its incredible and the bursts of energy I feel, the highs in my mood, and the joys in each day have been noticeable.

It's got me back into the kitchen preparing healthy snacks and lunches for us.  I've moved beyond the wraps for the kids and have been trying out some new lunch ideas and lots of healthy snacks.  In fact our snack bin that usually holds the processed foods I bring into the house, like granola bars, bear paws, and puddings, has virtually been empty.

The Pioneer Woman simple sesame noodles

I've also been more conscious with what I eat.  I've removed caffeine from my diet, except for one latte a week I treat myself too and I found the caffeine was aggravating my injury so with the need to cut back on paper cup coffee, now was the time. I've been snacking on eggs, overnight oats, healthy ice cream, lots of fruit, sticking to my 1L of water goal daily, and chia seeds in almost all my smoothies and puddings.  I definitely see that my eating pattern is more about boredom and not hunger and that's mind over matter to tackle.

some favorite valentine chocolates did not help cut out the bad foods from the diet

 Next step is to really step up on my minimalist de-cluttering.  I have at least 5 bags still waiting to go to the thrift store but a sudden and vicious winter storm derailed those plans today.  I still see a lot of clutter in my home and I have a real urgency to get rid of it.  It's the same urge you feel nesting when pregnant (nope, I'm not).  This new found energy and pain free existence should be the kick I need to get it done.  I don't want anything holding me back from going forward, and stuff holds you back.

woke up to this in the morning, should have know red sky means warning

 Somedays it would be understandable to be beyond tired, to be irritable, to be ready to collapse.  Today is one of those days yet I didn't let it zap my energy or wear me down, I literally rode the storm and went with the flow.

Today was cold, so very cold, and a storm threat has been looming over us.  We just had one storm day on Monday leaving me with having to leave work because daycare was closing, and faced with a driveway filled much too high to ignore.  The cold played havoc on my car battery and no way would it turn over this morning.  I grabbed my Northern mittens and trekked my way to work.  Mid-morning I trekked home to see if the car had any life, no luck, called school to have J come on home instead of going across town to afters chool care, and trekked back to work (stopping at the Chinese restaurant for some won ton soup).  I then left work an hour early, trekked home and met J off the school bus before braving the weather one more time to trek over to daycare to get E.  My father made the run down and hooked up a charger thing that will hopefully get my battery all ready for tomorrow.

no it's not a nice picture but it was so delicious

My crock pot baked ziti smelled amazing, one kid was hungry NOW, one kid demanded she was NOT EATING THAT.  After 2/3's of us ate I noticed E's hands which were dry and eczema like for the past couple of weeks had now cracked open and were bleeding.  Not having anything in the house that was doing the trick, I called the after hours walk in to find it just starting.  Another call to father to come drop us off at the walk in, since the battery was still charging, and a doctors visit later we have some new cream.

small town can mean no waiting at walk ins

poor little hand

 A busy day.  Homework, valentine writing, kitchen clean, hands creamed, skip bath, pick out clothes, go to bed 15 minutes early because the flow of the evening was progressively going that direction, and here I sit in the quiet and professionally cleaned home relaxing and not feeling an ounce of stress for the day I put in, the extra things thrown at me, the obstacles I encountered, and the things I'll face tomorrow.

my treat tonight is banana chocolate ice cream.  Frozen bananas, almond milk, cocoa powder, a handful of chocolate chips

 My 8 year old brings all sorts of struggles to my life.  We are alike in so many ways and often we clash.  We are both known to run hot and cold and we are both incredibly empathetic and take criticism to heart.  We demand a lot of ourselves and beat ourselves up when we feel we don't measure up.  We are also worriers, people who internalize a lot of their struggles and feelings, lay awake and dwell, and both of us have our underlying fears and anger surface over situations completely removed from the reason.

As an adult I have learned, for the most part, to manage myself and recognize what is a weakness and what is a strength.  Empathy definitely plays its part in my career but letting go of worries and control is something I'm still working on.

I find it hard to be 28 years ahead of him on this path and oftentimes I get frustrated by his negative self-view, his indiscriminate attitude towards the fun things in life, his inability to find the good.

Lately I have been meditating on what I can change about myself to help nurture him.  He's going through an incredibly rough time right now and his little self is being pulled all over the place.  I've discovered, through trial and error, that he relishes and thrives on responsibility and room to roam.

I've been experimenting with the freedom I allow him.  While supervised he grilled his own grill cheese sandwich.

While I run to the corner store for a quick item, he stays at home, and today I gave him a big test.  It was a snow day but I had to go to work.  I dropped his sister off to the daycare (next door to our house) and went to work for 2 hours (work is a 30 second drive from our door).  I agreed for him to stay home alone for half that time and did phone check ins.  He said he was a little bored so I offered him a huge chance to roam.  If he wanted to walk to work he could take some money from me and go across the street to the coffee shop and buy himself a steamer.  My work is a straight walk down the sidewalk, not even a road to cross without a cross-walk and just a few houses farther than his bus stop.  He jumped at the chance and a few moments later, snowy but beaming, he entered my work to grab some money.  I expected him back to drink his drink at the office before we headed home but he hung out in the coffee shop and had some time himself.  The owner of the shop, and the workers are all friends so I felt safe.

He was beyond thrilled with himself and today his attitude is a little less sharp and he's far more willing and agreeable.  Giving him the chance to succeed in controlled environments is working and I hope some more opportunities come up that let him see again just how much he's capable of doing.

Today I treated myself....I hired a house cleaner!

Life for me has been busy, hectic, and stressful.  I've lost my skill of being able to embrace the good around me and find myself dwelling on the what's to come.  There are some big things looming that will having lasting and consequential impacts on my life.  It will impact my financial state, my career, my entire life as a whole, and my mental health in many ways.  I've really been facing it head strong because it's very forefront in my life right now and I think it's time to step back and breathe.  Find my peace and learn again to roll with the punches and find the good.

Another strong area of contention for me has been my health.  I haven't recovered well from my latest hospitalization and because of it quality of life is lower.  I push myself to continue cooking, working, taking the kids to activities, having fun with them, staying as active as possible but with limited mobility and collapsing into bed most nights at 9 stiff and unable to push any further, I am frustrated and defeated.  Things like mopping, scrubbing a tub, vacuuming stairs are about as easy for me as running a marathon.  What would normally take someone 20 minutes can take me hours and it leaves me with days of inflammation and sometimes flare ups of pain.

So today I interviewed, negotiated a price and time, and hired me a house cleaner.  Already the idea that every Tuesday my bathroom and kitchen will glisten is taking a lot of weight off my shoulders.  To pay for it I plan to forgo my daily morning coffee (and occassional sweetie) at the local coffee shop.  At $4 a pop, more if I indulge in a latte or treat, it easily covers my monthly cleaning bill.  It's not a hard sacrifice for me and it's money better spent.

So today, after doing that, I had a renewed burst of energy.  I meal prepped, shopped, chopped and prepared all the fruits and snacks for the kids to grab or pack for school.  I cooked a delicious supper, I made two desserts (pan fried cinnamon bananas and banana nutella crepes) and puttered around my kitchen listening to the '00s sing along play list (and yes Shakira I will shake my hips).

It's all a part of my self-care and if that means delegating and paying for things to get done...so be it!

I bought an impressive amount of bananas